His Satanic Majesty Tin Blott Addresses The Newsletter Commonwealth

Season's greetings, content-diviners! Queentin Blott here, with my traditional annual Christmas message to enforce company morale across our entire newsletter group, spread a message of ersatz goodwill to all men and dispiritingly reiterate to our shrivelling pool of employees the importance of a lean and integrated newsroom operating at maximum efficiency using modern management structures and technology.
Looking back, what a year it's been! Some commentators would describe it as "terrifying". Others, "calamitous". I personally prefer the word "challenging". The onset of the credit crunch has forced us all to re-examine our priorities, although things will have to get a lot worse before I allow the pursuit of vibrantly unique (and uniquely vibrant!) content to be toppled from its rightful place at the top of my New Year Resolutions list 2008/09 (rest assured, swingeing cutbacks and remorseless restructuring are right up there too).
Of course, this celebratory time of year is when everyone takes the opportunity to treat themselves to some of the little luxuries in life, such as a Ferrero Rocher or glass of Drambuie (actually, that's a tiny white lie; some of us are actually able to enjoy these things every day, as long as certain long-term strategic targets have been met). So if you are trying to deaden any feelings of agitated uncertainty or impotent rage with a second glass of Bailey's - or even just that Misty Irish Meadow liquor available in Iceland for four pounds - allow me to raise a sherry glass to you, and toast our company's continued success in 2009.

I'd like to leave you, if I may, with the words of that great Quaker poet and anti-slavery campaigner, John Greenleaf Whittier:

For somehow, not only at Christmas, but all the long year through,
The joy that you give to others is the joy that comes back to you.

God save the Queentin!

The Tao of Tin 2

Bonsoir, content seekers. Tin Blott here, with some more handy advice for all of those who find themselves struggling in a multidimensional media landscape which suddenly seems like shifting sand beneath their feet. Hold fast!

I put out the call for reader's questions, and was literally flooded with two responses, to which I've set my formidable Tintellect a-thinking. The first is about the severe challenges faced by all the developed world's media, so it looks like it's going to be a three-pipe problem. Let's take a look at the second, though:

To: Tinny B

From: TwoStepsHack

Tin, love the blog, keep up the excellent work. Here's the thing: I've been working at a once-major media company for many years but suddenly the future has become incredibly unclear. An enormous paradigm shift was announced that immediately created a horrifically tense atmosphere in our workplace, but after that first big shock, there's been precious little clarification of what might happen and how it will impact on my career. Should I make the best of things and be part of this brave new future, or should I just walk away when I still have some last shred of dignity intact? Please pass along my very best to Mr Rumpus. Yours, TwoStepsHack

A dilemma indeed! But what it's vital to remember is that any future is uncertain. Tomorrow you could be hit be a bus, or some scaffolding, or an asteroid. So you must do what you think is best for yourself. It sounds a little selfish, but don't feel that you should put the needs of the company first – there are already lots of executives who are paid to do just that. Like me!

Do you have a question you'd like to put to Tin? Post it in the comments below and the king of content will tackle your query in a future post, possibly after implementing further incremental change in some areas

I had a dream Pt 2

Continued from I had a dream ...

Some readers have been in touch, pointing out that I never revealed what happened after my unexpected night terror. Rest assured, I always finish what I start. Whenever I'm confronted with imagined demons who attempt to subconsciously reveal the gaping black hole where my soul should be, I merely embark on a PowerPoint-assisted presentation explaining my vision for the future of our newsletters. After roughly 10 minutes, all the demons stop attacking me of their own volition. It seems after only a short period of being exposed to my overly rehearsed, rambling spiel about the imagined future of our company, most entities – either real or imagined – recoil whether they physically want to or not. That's the abhorrent power of my overriding vision. So whenever those nightmares attack, I merely turn to page one of my rigorous manifesto. And before those night terrors can properly unleash a suitably hellish torrent of abuse, they are disconcertingly dazed by my stultifying stance. That's how I, improbably, sleep easy. 

An image problem

Greetings, content followers. Apologies for the picture to your left. I've recently implemented a brand new, forward-thinking system of picture research and imaging to help consolidate my family of newsletters, but this new automated system appears to have something of a mind of its own. In a perfect world, all the pictures would be automatically prepared for the page, negating the need for any sort of human input such as passion, imagination or instincts honed over many years of experience. This would therefore streamline the whole tedious process. But whatever image I send through MAL-9000, the only thing that ever comes out the other end is this picture of a sexy robot. We printed 37 different versions of it in this morning's newsletters. To make things worse, it's not even from our own archive so we're incurring some eye-watering repro fees. This situation will not stand. There's only room for one Tin-man in this company ...

A friend of Dorothy

Bonjour, content seekers. Tin Blott here. I've had a few emails from readers intrigued by both my nickname and the title of my blog. To take the first point, while my given name is obviously Quentin Blott, I earned the sobriquet "Tin" during my torrid younger days studying for a BA in Perpetual Profiteering at the Poltroonish Institute of Compassionless Management Practices. At first, I thought it might be in reference to Herge's beloved cub reporter Tin-Tin, an unswervingly decent young man who was relentless in his pursuit of a story and fair-minded once he got it. But as it turned out, it was apparently inspired by L Frank Baum's The Wizard Of Oz, where a cranky Tin Man is persuaded to embark on a quest to find a heart. Or is it a brain? Or courage? Perhaps it was all three. In any case, after a few too many glasses of Drambuie, the nickname "Tin" stuck.
As for the blog, well, let me reiterate my commitment to content. For me, it must always be at the top of any agenda. When I wake up each morning, the first thing I do after rousing Mr Rumpus is reach for the Things To Do Today notepad on my bedside table and write: "A: Total Content." (Often followed by "B: Impose Further Debilitating Efficiencies.) So now you know!