His Satanic Majesty Tin Blott Addresses The Newsletter Commonwealth

Season's greetings, content-diviners! Queentin Blott here, with my traditional annual Christmas message to enforce company morale across our entire newsletter group, spread a message of ersatz goodwill to all men and dispiritingly reiterate to our shrivelling pool of employees the importance of a lean and integrated newsroom operating at maximum efficiency using modern management structures and technology.
Looking back, what a year it's been! Some commentators would describe it as "terrifying". Others, "calamitous". I personally prefer the word "challenging". The onset of the credit crunch has forced us all to re-examine our priorities, although things will have to get a lot worse before I allow the pursuit of vibrantly unique (and uniquely vibrant!) content to be toppled from its rightful place at the top of my New Year Resolutions list 2008/09 (rest assured, swingeing cutbacks and remorseless restructuring are right up there too).
Of course, this celebratory time of year is when everyone takes the opportunity to treat themselves to some of the little luxuries in life, such as a Ferrero Rocher or glass of Drambuie (actually, that's a tiny white lie; some of us are actually able to enjoy these things every day, as long as certain long-term strategic targets have been met). So if you are trying to deaden any feelings of agitated uncertainty or impotent rage with a second glass of Bailey's - or even just that Misty Irish Meadow liquor available in Iceland for four pounds - allow me to raise a sherry glass to you, and toast our company's continued success in 2009.

I'd like to leave you, if I may, with the words of that great Quaker poet and anti-slavery campaigner, John Greenleaf Whittier:

For somehow, not only at Christmas, but all the long year through,
The joy that you give to others is the joy that comes back to you.

God save the Queentin!

The Tao of Tin 2

Bonsoir, content seekers. Tin Blott here, with some more handy advice for all of those who find themselves struggling in a multidimensional media landscape which suddenly seems like shifting sand beneath their feet. Hold fast!

I put out the call for reader's questions, and was literally flooded with two responses, to which I've set my formidable Tintellect a-thinking. The first is about the severe challenges faced by all the developed world's media, so it looks like it's going to be a three-pipe problem. Let's take a look at the second, though:

To: Tinny B

From: TwoStepsHack

Tin, love the blog, keep up the excellent work. Here's the thing: I've been working at a once-major media company for many years but suddenly the future has become incredibly unclear. An enormous paradigm shift was announced that immediately created a horrifically tense atmosphere in our workplace, but after that first big shock, there's been precious little clarification of what might happen and how it will impact on my career. Should I make the best of things and be part of this brave new future, or should I just walk away when I still have some last shred of dignity intact? Please pass along my very best to Mr Rumpus. Yours, TwoStepsHack

A dilemma indeed! But what it's vital to remember is that any future is uncertain. Tomorrow you could be hit be a bus, or some scaffolding, or an asteroid. So you must do what you think is best for yourself. It sounds a little selfish, but don't feel that you should put the needs of the company first – there are already lots of executives who are paid to do just that. Like me!

Do you have a question you'd like to put to Tin? Post it in the comments below and the king of content will tackle your query in a future post, possibly after implementing further incremental change in some areas

I had a dream Pt 2

Continued from I had a dream ...

Some readers have been in touch, pointing out that I never revealed what happened after my unexpected night terror. Rest assured, I always finish what I start. Whenever I'm confronted with imagined demons who attempt to subconsciously reveal the gaping black hole where my soul should be, I merely embark on a PowerPoint-assisted presentation explaining my vision for the future of our newsletters. After roughly 10 minutes, all the demons stop attacking me of their own volition. It seems after only a short period of being exposed to my overly rehearsed, rambling spiel about the imagined future of our company, most entities – either real or imagined – recoil whether they physically want to or not. That's the abhorrent power of my overriding vision. So whenever those nightmares attack, I merely turn to page one of my rigorous manifesto. And before those night terrors can properly unleash a suitably hellish torrent of abuse, they are disconcertingly dazed by my stultifying stance. That's how I, improbably, sleep easy. 

An image problem

Greetings, content followers. Apologies for the picture to your left. I've recently implemented a brand new, forward-thinking system of picture research and imaging to help consolidate my family of newsletters, but this new automated system appears to have something of a mind of its own. In a perfect world, all the pictures would be automatically prepared for the page, negating the need for any sort of human input such as passion, imagination or instincts honed over many years of experience. This would therefore streamline the whole tedious process. But whatever image I send through MAL-9000, the only thing that ever comes out the other end is this picture of a sexy robot. We printed 37 different versions of it in this morning's newsletters. To make things worse, it's not even from our own archive so we're incurring some eye-watering repro fees. This situation will not stand. There's only room for one Tin-man in this company ...

A friend of Dorothy

Bonjour, content seekers. Tin Blott here. I've had a few emails from readers intrigued by both my nickname and the title of my blog. To take the first point, while my given name is obviously Quentin Blott, I earned the sobriquet "Tin" during my torrid younger days studying for a BA in Perpetual Profiteering at the Poltroonish Institute of Compassionless Management Practices. At first, I thought it might be in reference to Herge's beloved cub reporter Tin-Tin, an unswervingly decent young man who was relentless in his pursuit of a story and fair-minded once he got it. But as it turned out, it was apparently inspired by L Frank Baum's The Wizard Of Oz, where a cranky Tin Man is persuaded to embark on a quest to find a heart. Or is it a brain? Or courage? Perhaps it was all three. In any case, after a few too many glasses of Drambuie, the nickname "Tin" stuck.
As for the blog, well, let me reiterate my commitment to content. For me, it must always be at the top of any agenda. When I wake up each morning, the first thing I do after rousing Mr Rumpus is reach for the Things To Do Today notepad on my bedside table and write: "A: Total Content." (Often followed by "B: Impose Further Debilitating Efficiencies.) So now you know!

I had a dream Pt 1

Hello, content fans. Tin Blott here. I wouldn't usually update this blog in the wee small hours but ... well ... I've been having some trouble sleeping. I had gone through my usual night-time routine – a sherry glass of Drambuie (and an arguably undeserved Ferrero Rocher) before changing into my freshly-pressed pajamas, then getting reassuringly tucked in alongside my faithful teddy bear Mr Rumpus. Then, just as I was drifting off, a weird kind of night terror came along and disturbed my slumber. 

What the hell do you know about newsletter publishing? hissed the terrifying demons. 

I acknowledge the importance of the bottom line, I imparted to the hellish envoys.

But do you really care about content? screamed those tenacious hellions.

Wow.

Did they really know who they were dealing with?

To be continued ...

Our winter of this-content

Tin Blott here. So. Content. It's what we need to secure our future. But what exactly is content? We all know it sounds very intriguing when words like "unique", "compelling" or "attractive" are placed before it. But what is it, really? Well, I like to think of it as just "stuff" ... stuff that can be stuck on newsletter pages with little thought to design or artistry, stuff that can be easily recycled and repurposed for half-hearted use in other media and stuff that ideally doesn't cost that much money to create. Content should be able to expand or contract to fit whatever shape we desire, so it might be useful to think of it as Polyfilla. Hmmm. Although that suggests it's being used to fill in the cracks that have developed in a once-great edifice which is now in danger of collapsing due to callous mismanagement. That won't do.

New metaphor!

Content is like foam.

Glad we got that cleared up ...

HEADS-UP FEEDBACKERS!

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The tao of Tin 1

Since I obviously know everything there is to know about ... well, everything, it seems only right that I should share my vast wealth of experience in producing and publishing newsletters. The experience I've built up over the years has been invaluable so if you have any queries about how best to burn through any residual goodwill in your company, string along union leaders until they dance to your merry tune or just systematically undermine and alienate a once-loyal workforce, drop me a line in the comments section below and I'll work some of the Blott magic for which I'm rightly infamous. Hey, here's a question now:

To: Tinny B 

From: EmpireStrikesHack

Tin, long-time reader, first-time poster. I've been working at the same media company for over a decade, and I was proud to be involved in the production of a respected title. But the past few years have turned into a spirit-crushing merry-go-round of cutbacks, redundancies, opaque management decisions and questionable air-conditioning maintenance. Recently, I was told I would have to reapply for my job after a zealous restructuring which appears to have been scribbled in crayon by a toddler on too much Tixylix. I'm a professional. I'm good at my job. I've given a lot. But how can I in good conscience go back to work for this company after they've essentially unzipped their flies and absent-mindedly aimed a hissing stream of ammonia into my eyes? Yours, EmpireStrikesHack

Ummm. Let's see. Actually, I'm not sure if I can help with this one. Sorry!

Do you have a question you'd like to put to Tin? Post it in the comments below and the king of content will tackle your query in a future post, possibly after he's signed some piece of paper which will impact horribly on the lives of dozens of workers.

Actually, never mind the future ...

... what about the present! Tin Blott here, and the only paper on my mind in this post is wrapping paper. With Christmas rapidly approaching, I've had to reluctantly turn my thoughts away from panicked workflow restructuring and pitiless budget slashing to focus on seasonal gift ideas. If anyone was thinking of getting me a SatNav system, I should point out that I've actually had one for a couple of years. I picked up my Tom-Thom second-hand a while back and it's been with me every step of the way! We've trundled down some pretty rocky roads, narrowly avoided the odd precipice and generally just bulldozed forward, even if it hasn't always been in quite the right direction. Still, it looks like my old Tom-Thom will be good for a few years yet!

Which way will we go next, I wonder?

A brave new future

Hi! Tin Blott here. I've known for a long time that the future of journalism is inextricably linked with the internet, so thought it was about time to make my own digital footprint out here in the electronic frontier. This blog will give hopefully give you an insight into the thinking behind some of the decisions that have been taken by my company recently which, to the untrained eye, might look baffling, sinister or just downright mean. What those observers need to understand is that we face a highly uncertain future, and the untrammelled profits we've been wringing out of our newsletters for the past few years won't keep us in Drambuie and Ferrero Rocher for ever. I've seen the future. And that's why these decisions have been driven by content. Complete, utter content. A shower of content, if you like. It's right up there at the top of my list, which is why after a period of consultation I decided to call this blog Tin Blott's A: Total Content.

So if you're one of the many people who have unexpectedly found themselves with a large amount of free time recently, explore the blog, and give me some content!

Blott's on this landscape

So long, typewriters and hot-metal typesetting! It's time for something new ...