His Satanic Majesty Tin Blott Addresses The Newsletter Commonwealth

Season's greetings, content-diviners! Queentin Blott here, with my traditional annual Christmas message to enforce company morale across our entire newsletter group, spread a message of ersatz goodwill to all men and dispiritingly reiterate to our shrivelling pool of employees the importance of a lean and integrated newsroom operating at maximum efficiency using modern management structures and technology.
Looking back, what a year it's been! Some commentators would describe it as "terrifying". Others, "calamitous". I personally prefer the word "challenging". The onset of the credit crunch has forced us all to re-examine our priorities, although things will have to get a lot worse before I allow the pursuit of vibrantly unique (and uniquely vibrant!) content to be toppled from its rightful place at the top of my New Year Resolutions list 2008/09 (rest assured, swingeing cutbacks and remorseless restructuring are right up there too).
Of course, this celebratory time of year is when everyone takes the opportunity to treat themselves to some of the little luxuries in life, such as a Ferrero Rocher or glass of Drambuie (actually, that's a tiny white lie; some of us are actually able to enjoy these things every day, as long as certain long-term strategic targets have been met). So if you are trying to deaden any feelings of agitated uncertainty or impotent rage with a second glass of Bailey's - or even just that Misty Irish Meadow liquor available in Iceland for four pounds - allow me to raise a sherry glass to you, and toast our company's continued success in 2009.

I'd like to leave you, if I may, with the words of that great Quaker poet and anti-slavery campaigner, John Greenleaf Whittier:

For somehow, not only at Christmas, but all the long year through,
The joy that you give to others is the joy that comes back to you.

God save the Queentin!