Teddy for (almost) anything

H... hello? [Cough] Hi. Hello. I should probably point out that this is not Quentin Blott. This is Mr Rumpus, his faithful companion of 40 years. Master Quentin is resting after a torrid few days. To be honest, he hasn't really been himself since Friday when I suspected he was running a wee temperature. And wouldn't you know, this funk descends at the very time Master Quentin and I find ourselves bombarded with varied comments and queries here at our humble content-themed blog. And so it falls to me, a mere bear more comfortable operating quietly in the background, to attempt to engage with the concerns of our readers. In all honesty, I doubt I'll be able to get through the entire backlog before I need to get back to tending my recuperative broth. It's vital that Master Quentin is well enough to make his announcement tomorrow. So please accept in advance my apologies if I cannot provide satisfactory answers. But rest assured I will do my level best. Here's the first query:

To: Tinny B
From: Anonymous
Dateline: 11 January 2009 19:07

Tin, can I ask your advice? I was recently appointed to a very senior role in a newsletter similar to yours and my first act was to gather all my staff together and scare seven shades of sugar out of them. Sadly I now find myself in a "pants to the laundry" situation, because due to faulty Tom-Tom navigation, my leaky ship has been steered further into an iceberg of cold despair. I now discover that my most senior production staff have all been allowed to desert ship, leaving me with a crew that is not only mutinous but totally incapable of steering the ship to dry land. Help! Should I rely on Tom-Tom to guide me to safety?

Ummm... to be honest, I'm not really across this kind of thing. But while I can understand why your first instinct might be to abandon a leaky ship, it's worth remembering that while she may be old, she has a bluff bow and lovely lines. She's a fine seabird: weatherly, stiff and fast... very fast, if she's well handled. No, she's not old. She's in her prime. That said, however solid the vessel, I can see how muddled navigation could be a problem. So... shall we move on?

To: Tinny B
From: Anonymous
Dateline: 12 January 2009 23:35

Is your fab blog being blocked in some way within your fine organ(isation)? as my "mate" cannot access it from his work's computer.

Fab? [Blushes] What a lovely thing to say about our humble blog! It's really just a collection of thoughts and musings ... mostly from dear Master Quentin. While I am certainly responsible for much of the backend technical support, I can't comment with any authority about how other sys.admins engage with our content. If your friend is unable to view our website from his place of employment, I sincerely hope that they can access it in some other manner. And I am compelled to answer your query with one of my own, albeit trivial. Did you purposefully refer to your acquaintance as a "mate" after reading the previous, naval-flavoured query? I do hope so, as I have a weakness for thematic unity! Time for one more, I think.

To: Tinny B
From: Nurse Ratchet
Dateline: 13 January 2009 00:19

Tin, could you please come and collect a man called Ricky Martin from A&E? He accuses you of removing his cojones and shafting him, a real double whammy, which means he can't go on livin' la vida loca in the style he's accustomed to. Even more annoying is the wee guy who's trying to reassure him by saying we live in exciting times and to stop moaning and count his bonus instead. Do you know these people?

This is where my attempt to fill in for Master Quentin falls down badly ... and with other comments still waiting to be addressed. I must apologise for my failure and retire. I have no personal connection with anyone called Ricky Martin or his la vida loca. Although, in a certain light, my fur could possibly be regarded as being the colour of mocha. Thank you for your time. 

M.Rumpus