The Rev Spooner's favourite group

Morning, content consumers. Tin Blott here, with another dispatch straight from the centre of my beautiful mind. I'm not sure how to best frame this post so will get right to it... does anyone else suffer from the occasional bout of indecision? Usually I settle on a course of action and stick to it, safe in the knowledge that my years of experience in the newsletter business will instinctively guide me down the right path. But in recent weeks, my inner lighthouse appears to have been doused. How to proceed in this darkest hour? I find myself thinking back to my days studying for a BA in Perpetual Profiteering at the Poltroonish Institute of Compassionless Management Practices in the very early 1980s, when Mr Rumpus would occasionally soothe my night terrors by singing this inspirational lullaby in his beautiful countertenor. 

You gotta speed it up
And then you gotta slow it down
'Cos if you believe that a love can hit the top
You gotta play around
And soon you will find that there comes a time
For making your mind up

You gotta turn it off
And then you gotta put it out

You gotta be sure that it's something 

Everybody's gonna talk about
Before you decide that the time's all right
For making your mind up

So let your indecision
Take you from behind
Trust your inner vision
Don't let others change your mind

Try to look as if you don't care less
But if you wanna see some more
Maybe the rules of the game will let you find 

The one you're looking for
And then you can show that you think you know
You're making your mind up

Whenever I think of this inspirational song, I find it almost as reinvigorating as Mr Rumpus's famous broth. Onwards and upwards!

The people have spoken!

Coo-ee, content slurpers! Tin Blott here, with the results of our week-long poll into how people actually like their content. There were many tantalising options, including "unique", "compelling" and "quality". In fact, the list of choices could have been much longer by including "cheap", "free" or "easily reconfigurable". But from the very start, it looked like there was only ever going to be one winner: "mint choc chip". Something about the contrast of sharp, toothpastey mint and crunchy, decadent chocolate chips seems to have struck a particular chord with A: Total Content's loyal visitors, and it would be my greatest pleasure to buy each and every one of you a generously-scooped cone, if it wasn't for the fact that we're practically running at a deficit and it's proper brass monkey weather outside.

So. Time for a new poll, to ensure my newsletter business remains up-the-pulse and on-to-date! Any suggestions? (Please keep 'em clean...)

History in the page-setting

Salutations, content aggregators! Tin Blott here, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot under the crushing weight of history on this very special day. It is, of course, the inauguration of my faithful companion Mr Rumpus as Yogi-in-Chief of my newsletter business. After advising for so long on technical and online support issues "behind the scenes", as it were, it was clearly time for Mr Rumpus to step forward and bring his clear-sighted vision and innovative thinking to bear on the unpredictable world of modern newsletter publishing. "Change" is the keyword here. Change we can all hopefully profit from. So how will this momentous day play out? As the ceremony lurches forward into action, here's a handy timetable of what to expect:

11.30am: Welcoming remarks by regional managing director Tin Blott

Musical selection of Peaches Geldof

12pm: Yogi-In-Chief elect Mr Rumpus will take the oath of newsletter office, using Tin Blott's inaugural Beano

Mr Rumpus gives his inaugural address, with the wrong postcode

Poem by EJ Thribb

Benediction by Father Frank Dowling

The National Anthem performed by Prince and the New Power Generation

1pm: Lunch, climaxing with Drambuie and Ferrero Rocher

2pm: Parade

Evening: A load of balls, then sleepytime

An exciting day, as I think you'll agree!

The Tao of Tin And Juice

Yo MTV Raps, content gangsters! It's the Notorious T.I.N. here, laying it out for you from the street, yo.

With so much drama in the H-&-T / It's kind of hard being Tin B-L-O double-T / But I, somehow, some way / Keep coming up with funky-ish content every single day / May I kick a little something for the MSPs? / And make a few ends as (yes!) I breeze through / It's two in the morning and the party remains jumping, because Mr Rumpus isn't home / There are some young ladies in the living room getting it on / They don't intend to leave until six in the morning, so what you want to do? / I've got a pocketful of Rocher and my homeboys do too.

That's absolutely correct, content fans! You find me strolling down the street, sipping on a beverage of my own creation entitled "Tin and Juice" – laid-back, yet still with my mind on my money and my money on my mind. But what's this? A reader's question!

To: Tinny B

From: HackSore

Dear Tin. Long-time reader, first-time poster. I've been committing myself to getting to grips with a new production system that my once-respected media company has implemented, and yet there are so many quirks and glitches that it's driving me and many of my colleagues up the wall. In the months before it was unveiled, this system was trailed as the wonderful solution to all our workflow and production problems and while we knew we should take such management flim-flammery with a pinch of salt, the creaking reality is still hard to take. Any thoughts? Yours, HackSore

Thanks for your question, HackSore. As a determindly old-fashioned newsletterman for over 30 years, I cannot say in good conscience that all this technical stuff is my particular forte. But any leader who aspires to be great must surround themselves with the sharpest advisors who are looking not one, not two, but three moves ahead in the chess game that is the modern newsletter business. Yes, navigating through the system to which you refer may currently seem like wading through Lyle's Golden Syrup. But imagine how much smoother things will be with 50 or so less users! En passant and checkmate, beeyatch, as my houseboy Snoop might say!

Do you have a question you'd like to put to Tin? Post it in the comments below and the king of content will tackle your query in a future post, possibly after being briefly thwarted by the intransigence of a small but vocal minority who refuse to adopt modern practices

Ten questions for Tin

Buenos nochas, content gatherers. Tin Blott here, responding to a list of reader's questions that are half insightful, half impenetrable. No time to waste, let's go!

To: Tinny D

From: MDH

Dateline: 15 January 2009 00:36

1. Coke or Pepsi?

As long as it's American, I don't mind.

2. Rob Bryce or Rob Halford? (it's a leather thing).
Robbin' everyone.

3. Oasis or Blur?

Hmmm. Which one did Standing On The Shoulder Of Giants?

4. Are you into the "group" thing and does Mrs Blott know?

Group hug.

5. Tommy Atomkinder or Albert Steptoe?

Sanford And Son.

6. Content or credibility?
Take a wild guess. Content, of course!

7. Boxes or no boxes?
Ask Noel Edmonds.

8. PA or India?

Philadelphia.

9. Brylcreem or Royal Crown?

The king of content must go for Royal Crown.

[Note: the tenth question was gutter journalism that didn't actually merit an answer. For shame, sir!]

You can't bulltwit a bulltwitter

Welcome, content trufflers! A recovered and re-energised Tin Blott here, with an iron grip on the safety handrail of future profit as I take another radical step forward in the modern world of newsletter publishing. I refer, of course, to the brand-new social networking apparatus known as Twittery-Twit. No longer will you have to wait days between Tin Blott's A: Total Content updates as I painstakingly craft each post, a single extended chipolata digit hovering over the keyboard for seemingly an age as my porcine eyes dart back and forth in search of the next required lette... r. 
Twittery-Twit allows everyone to become my followers, which seems only right, and the whole process is so remarkably straightforward that even a fictional internet counterpart who only exists as a warped, buffoonish yet still terrifyingly perceptive reflection of reality could do it. Simply log on to the website at www.twitter.com ... then, um, well maybe you have to register before you can really do anything. 

Anyway, Mr Rumpus has me logged on there somewhere as TinBlott, and my faithful teddy companion is also working toward functionalising my compelling, unique, quality Twit content onto this very blog. If this doesn't elevate our newsletter company's standing in the wider community, well I quite frankly don't know what will!

While I let that paradigm-shattering announcement sink in, let's proceed with business as usual. As you know, content is always at the top of my agenda – hence my blog's intriguing title – so let's hurry along to number B on my to-do list: answering reader's queries, contextualising idle speculation and suffocating rumour and hearsay. Who's first?

To: Tinny B
From: Anonymous
Dateline: 13 January 2009 10:30

Dear Tin. Aren't you concerned about being strung up by your swiss curls during a wildcat strike. I would!

This is a serious forum, Anonymous, for those that take the future of newsletter production seriously. I don't care for your tone. Next!

To: Tinny B
From: Anonymous
Dateline:13 January 2009 10:38

Never fear Tin Pot, the paper must go on and there's a fine remedy to any paper woes. Simply add some of our wonderful Blotting paper and all will be well. Yes, exciting times ahead for all in the PP (parochial press).

Parochialism is a state of mind, Anonymous 2. (Mind you, so is clinical Lycanthropy.) Enough! Such mocking talk wearies me. Mr Rumpus? Fetch me some more of your recuperative broth! 

Do you have a question you'd like to put to Tin? Well, why don't you keep it to yourself for the time being? Unless, of course, it might be considered constructive. In which case, post it in the comments below and the king of content will tackle your query in a future post, possibly after finding it surprisingly difficult to meet his own gaze in the mirror while washing his hands for what seems like the thousandth time

Teddy for (almost) anything

H... hello? [Cough] Hi. Hello. I should probably point out that this is not Quentin Blott. This is Mr Rumpus, his faithful companion of 40 years. Master Quentin is resting after a torrid few days. To be honest, he hasn't really been himself since Friday when I suspected he was running a wee temperature. And wouldn't you know, this funk descends at the very time Master Quentin and I find ourselves bombarded with varied comments and queries here at our humble content-themed blog. And so it falls to me, a mere bear more comfortable operating quietly in the background, to attempt to engage with the concerns of our readers. In all honesty, I doubt I'll be able to get through the entire backlog before I need to get back to tending my recuperative broth. It's vital that Master Quentin is well enough to make his announcement tomorrow. So please accept in advance my apologies if I cannot provide satisfactory answers. But rest assured I will do my level best. Here's the first query:

To: Tinny B
From: Anonymous
Dateline: 11 January 2009 19:07

Tin, can I ask your advice? I was recently appointed to a very senior role in a newsletter similar to yours and my first act was to gather all my staff together and scare seven shades of sugar out of them. Sadly I now find myself in a "pants to the laundry" situation, because due to faulty Tom-Tom navigation, my leaky ship has been steered further into an iceberg of cold despair. I now discover that my most senior production staff have all been allowed to desert ship, leaving me with a crew that is not only mutinous but totally incapable of steering the ship to dry land. Help! Should I rely on Tom-Tom to guide me to safety?

Ummm... to be honest, I'm not really across this kind of thing. But while I can understand why your first instinct might be to abandon a leaky ship, it's worth remembering that while she may be old, she has a bluff bow and lovely lines. She's a fine seabird: weatherly, stiff and fast... very fast, if she's well handled. No, she's not old. She's in her prime. That said, however solid the vessel, I can see how muddled navigation could be a problem. So... shall we move on?

To: Tinny B
From: Anonymous
Dateline: 12 January 2009 23:35

Is your fab blog being blocked in some way within your fine organ(isation)? as my "mate" cannot access it from his work's computer.

Fab? [Blushes] What a lovely thing to say about our humble blog! It's really just a collection of thoughts and musings ... mostly from dear Master Quentin. While I am certainly responsible for much of the backend technical support, I can't comment with any authority about how other sys.admins engage with our content. If your friend is unable to view our website from his place of employment, I sincerely hope that they can access it in some other manner. And I am compelled to answer your query with one of my own, albeit trivial. Did you purposefully refer to your acquaintance as a "mate" after reading the previous, naval-flavoured query? I do hope so, as I have a weakness for thematic unity! Time for one more, I think.

To: Tinny B
From: Nurse Ratchet
Dateline: 13 January 2009 00:19

Tin, could you please come and collect a man called Ricky Martin from A&E? He accuses you of removing his cojones and shafting him, a real double whammy, which means he can't go on livin' la vida loca in the style he's accustomed to. Even more annoying is the wee guy who's trying to reassure him by saying we live in exciting times and to stop moaning and count his bonus instead. Do you know these people?

This is where my attempt to fill in for Master Quentin falls down badly ... and with other comments still waiting to be addressed. I must apologise for my failure and retire. I have no personal connection with anyone called Ricky Martin or his la vida loca. Although, in a certain light, my fur could possibly be regarded as being the colour of mocha. Thank you for your time. 

M.Rumpus

A trilling announcement!

Salutations, content hogs! Tin Blott here. This post is really just a tease to draw your attention to a little briefing that I intend to make on Wednesday. Now, I know that might possibly instill a smidgen of unease in some employees of my newsletter company because of announcements past, but let me attempt to "allez" any fears. 

This looming paradigm change should only affect me personally, at least in the short-term. The way I see it, there are two choices: do nothing, and risk everything and all our jobs or recognise survival requires radical solutions! So who's with me? Come on, anyone? Mr Rumpus ... ?

The Tao of Tin Consultation Special

Bienvenue, content crusaders! Tin Blott here, taking time out from my intimidatingly high-powered executive lifestyle to brush some crumbs of hard-won insight from Mr Rumpus's very best floral brocade Sunday tablecloth onto the hardscrabble floor below, the better to aid those less fortunate than myself. 

Veteran newsletter employees often say stop me in the corridor to say, "Tin... my God... how can you? What you're proposing will rip the heart from this whole company! Why!? Oh Jesus Christ, WHY!!"

But that's not the subject we're going to address in this post. Instead, here are some knotty queries sent in by a brace of faithful readers, who clearly realise what a total font I am when it comes to wisdom. 

To: Tinny B

From: Desparada

Dateline: 10 January 2009 18:32 

Dear Tin. I have a question for you. Like the poster above I work for a very exciting multimedia company where content is king. Only trouble is our circulation is plummeting and nobody looks at our website because it's rubbish. Should I leave now whilst there's money for redundancies or wait until we go completely tits up in about 6 months time? Yours Desparada

Hello Desparada! As it turns out, I actually dealt with a similar query quite recently but I'm happy to reiterate my advice. You should do what you feel is best for you, and only you... because no doubt that's what the person in charge of your company will be doing. Another kernel of counsel: perhaps don't toss around that word "t*ts" when you're applying for your next job. Public life may be coarsening but it's our responsibility to strive for a higher standard. So who's next for a paddle in my font?

To: Tinny B
From: Anonymous
Dateline: 11 January 2009 02:02

Hi Tin. Fabulous to see you looking so swish and shiny. One question – how DID you manage to get the unions on side? Last I heard, Paul Holyman was saying you were stupid while Ewan Bryce was promising to fight you – by playing possum from his foxhole. What's your secret to getting those pesky union prols to be so compliant? Did you have a man on the inside? Yours, Anonymous

Greetings, Anonymous! Suggesting that a company may have a spy on the inside during any sort of guild negotiations is a surefire way to spread paranoia and fear among the rank and file... so let me just say "no comment" while nodding and allowing a slight smirk to play across my features. A-ha!

Do you have a question you'd like to put to Tin? Post it in the comments below and the king of content will tackle your query in a future post, possibly after feeling an uncharacteristic flicker of disappointment that his unwavering commitment to quality content has not been recognised in all quarters

A man of wealth and taste...

G'day, content enthusiasts! Tin Blott here. I'd be the first to admit that even though I'm the Regional Managing Editor of a preeminent newsletter company, I'm still gamely getting to grips with all the nitty-gritty of the potential interconnectivity of the internet. How does one predict the ebb and flow of "traffic" and "eyeballs" and other such things? I'm starting to think it might have something to do with the waxing of the moon; while the tide of online comments may have shrunk in this nascent year, I've been bombarded with personal emails clamouring for more information about myself, my newsletter company and this very blog. Where to begin? Perhaps an "FAK" is in order...

Where did the name of my blog come from? 

How did it begin?

What are my thoughts on content?

What is my second-foremost New Year's Resolution?

How do I help people?

What guides me?

And a particularly popular kwestion:

How do I sleep?

Hope that clears things up!

Official Vocab Guidelines 1

Buenos dias, fellow vocabulary enthusiasts! Tin Blott here. You may remember my New Year's resolution to get to grips with the inspirational poetic majesty and unrealised potential profit locked somewhere within our beloved American English language. Because competitive content is apparently built from "words", however far-fetched that may sound. You'll need to trust me on this one.

So. Let's begin! Or "actualize"!

Today's word is "compassion".

So... compassion... a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate their suffering ... hmmm...

Anything?

Nope, me neither...

Until next time!

Do you have a particular word that you think Tin should analyse? Post your suggestions in the comments below and the king of content will address your submission in a future post, possibly after absent-mindedly confirming a credit-crunch-beating summer holiday deal online, wholly secure in the knowledge that his stupid job is safe for the forseeable

Can't get there from here...

Hola, content orienteers! Tin Blott here. Would you credit it? Just before Christmas I was boasting that I wouldn't need a new SatNav from good old Saint Nick, because my trusty second-hand Tom-Thom was in rude health. Of course, that was exactly the time my old Tom-Thom began to start behaving in a slightly unpredictable manner. I'm used to the odd bit of rough terrain and pushing forward even when it appears to be an oppressively uphill struggle, but now it feels like the vehicle I'm nominally controlling is either going round in circles or constantly reversing into a corner. And don't get me started on the wheel-spinning. What could be the matter? What do you think? Is it time to get a new Tom-Thom to try and figure out the best way forward?

Happy New Fiscal Year (Almost)!

Salutations, content admirers! Tin Blott here. The arrival of any New Year is an excellent chance to reflect on all that has passed in the past 12 months but one must also look to the future and attempt to nurture a sense of optimism. I must concede I do have a few concerns moving forward; notably, that the looming prospect of 2010 will put a spanner in the works as far as my trusty party-wear is concerned. After almost a decade of habitually sporting a humorous pair of anno-stating novelty glasses at any and all Hogmanay parties – such as this evening's, in which the the double-0 of my "2009" specs cunningly double as peepholes I can squint through as I type this very blog post – now I will have to find some other glitter-clad party accessory to serve as an adequate replacement for any last suffocated shred of personality. Perhaps an oversized pipe? Or a comedy moustache? 

This is also traditionally a time for resolutions, and while I'm sure you will anticipate my renewed and steadfast commitment to making content a vital priority, I also thought it might be a wise idea to consolidate my vocabulary. If words are the cornerstone of any newsletter business, then it makes sound financial sense to expand your portfolio at every opportunity. So every week, it is my intention to compellingly examine a pertinent word at length and in-depth, the better to squeeze every last drop of residual profit from its use. An exciting adventure, as I think you'll agree!

Do you have a particular word that you think Tin should analyse? Post your suggestions in the comments below and the king of content will address your submission in a future post, possibly after idly flicking through a list of job applicants and striking through troublesome names with a red Sharpie